Walking in the wind….

Two years ago, I was writing about how Mom’s health had taken a decline, but she was still with us. We are now in 2022, and she’s gone. She’s been gone for six months now and I miss her dearly every day. 

She used to like going for rides on the weekend. Anywhere really, it didn’t matter where, as long as she wasn’t home. When she was in the nursing home, she would often ask my sister to sneak her out when no one was looking so they could take a walk. She hated being there and I felt all the guilt of the world for putting her there. She could no longer take care of herself and needed round the clock care. I miss taking her for rides.

She used to love to cook. I definitely get my love for cooking from her. I used to make her a veggie soup she loved and unconsciously stopped making it after she died. A week or so ago, I made some. I’m sure some of my tears made it into that broth. I wish I had asked her how to make a few more things before she got too sick. When she was in hospice, she was in a lot of pain so I tried to do some guided imagery with her. Her favorite ones were when I replayed being in her kitchen and cooking with her. I miss cooking with her. 

She used to love taking day trips. Atlantic City holds a special place in my heart. We were ‘working poor’ so to speak, so going to AC was a quick and inexpensive day trip. We packed sandwiches and drinks for the three hour ride there and back in the evening. Sometimes we won a few bucks but mostly it was just us making memories. The Garlic Festival in upstate NY was another one we liked because it combined our love for day trips and food. I miss taking day trips with her. 

She loved the holidays. She lived for Christmas, making sure everyone got a little something they loved. She never really cared to get anything herself really. She just loved that one time of year when her family was all together in one place. When she couldn’t cook anymore, I took over some of the duties for her while my sisters took some of the others. This past holiday, in 2021, she was still alive but it was the first holiday without her. The silence was deafening. I don’t think the holidays will ever be the same for me. I miss the holidays with her. 

I’ve been through a few tough moments without her. It’s been super challenging because although I would shield her from the things I knew she couldn’t handle, she was there regardless. I’d just tell her I was having a hard time with something and I wanted her positive vibes. Even while in the nursing home, she always shared her positive vibes. I miss her motherly energy.

When she died, I really thought I would die with her. The pain was unbearable. The funeral was so fuckin final. Although we did it as she would have wanted it…no ‘funeraly flowers’ so we got bright beautiful ones….salsa music playing as people came to pay their respects…a collage with pictures of her from her whole life, dating back to her teens. People came to pay respects that I hadn’t seen in years. Others called with condolences, offering stories about her that I had never heard.  It was that day and the weeks following that I realized what an indelible mark she had left not only in my world, but in the world of those she touched around her. 

There isn’t anything I can do to bring her back. Nor would I want to. She was in pain and, while she didn’t want to leave us, it was hard for her to live life as it was. I’m learning to live life without her, to be in the moment, and to make more memories for myself because in the end, that’s what I will have too. I’m learning to take better care of my health and to not fear setbacks because they happen. I’m still not yet at the point where I can remember her without becoming tearful. That’s an area where I am still a work in progress. But I’m learning she’s with me. She’s with me in the way I cook, in the way I speak, and in the way I interact with others. She’s with me in the way I think, in my love for plants, and my love for day trips. Even though her death has left me with the space in my heart that can’t be filled, it’s been a reminder of how our time on this earth is finite. What I’m trying to do, now that I have had some time to process her passing, is to live all the lessons she taught me. 

My Kobayashi Maru

In Star Trek, the cadets are given a test called The Kobayashi Maru when they are applying to be a captain . It’s actually the name of a ship they are sent to rescue. It’s a no-win scenario designed to see how they think and work under pressure. In the original series and movies, Captain Kirk failed it three times before he changed the conditions and passed. His rationale is since the test was a cheat in itself, he had to reprogram the test to make it more fair. In the 2009 movie, you never really figure out how Chris Pine’s version of Kirk manages to pass the test. It appears that he dealt with the conditions of the test in a different way and just redefined the problem. They expected him to wig out and he didn’t. He dealt with it his own cocky way and beat the test. Somewhere on the internet, I read that the back story is that the green chic he was spending time with (Uhura’s roommate) talked in her sleep, and he used that info to his advantage.

In real life, a kobayashi maru is not that simple, but you go through them all the time. So then how do you deal?

A few weeks ago, it happened again. I didn’t pass for the 11th time. I didn’t cry. I just sat and thought…where is the lesson in this? All I could think was how I felt embarrassed and angry at the same time. How is it that people I knew that didn’t have half the chops I did took this exam and passed? Then I started getting into my own head. You know, when you have those moments of people who tell you shit that you start to wonder have any grain of truth.  In middle school, I had to take an ESL test because of my surname…mind you, I was in an accelerated academic program…but somehow, my ability to speak English was questioned by powers that be that knew nothing about me except my name. In grad school, I was told by an instructor that my grades were average because I went to public school…seriously dude???  Another one told me it was going to take me much longer to get to where I’m going. When I asked him to elaborate, he said he couldn’t but that I should think about that. It was clear that while these weren’t instances of having failed something, the experience was similar…and I realized, man, you have been here before. But why can’t you get out of THIS one? What are you NOT doing? What have you MISSED?

The last time I took the test, I knew I didn’t pass. The material I knew, I really knew. The stuff I didn’t, I felt was written by Klingons. I knew all the words, but when I put them all together, it made no sense at all. And all I could think was “What the motherfuck is this??” I knew for sure this was NOT in the materials. When I got my score, I did a lot better than I thought I did….I missed the mark by two points. This exam is curved, so I don’t know how many questions I missed by…but there it was in front of me…73. Then I got into my own head to try to disprove what I thought to be true up until then. I know I speak English because that test in middle school said so. I got average grades because I was an average student….and I went to public school, yes. But contrary to Dr. Asshole’s statement, one did not cause the other. That was his opinion. And as my trusty stats instructor, Dr. W, taught me, I know that a correlation is not the same as causation. In other words, public school and average grades may be related, but one does not necessarily cause the other. But the last one I can’t disprove. It has taken me a lot longer to get to where I’m going…and that is true. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going anywhere and that I haven’t been moving.

Then I realized, I missed it. It’s about the process. It’s having reconnected with someone from grad school who has been a wealth of support in this exam and in my profession. It’s accepting help from my left-handed dad to pay for the exam. It’s allowing myself to have fun with friends who have nothing to do with this process but happily say “you will get it next time!” and genuinely mean it. It’s being ok with ordering out dinner because Al knows I’m tired and loves an excuse to have his favorite pizza. It’s appreciating the process of others in being successful in their journey without wondering when it will be your turn, because at that time, it isn’t and that’s ok. It’s appreciating all that you have without being pissed off about what you don’t have. It’s taking a workshop you thought wouldn’t be helpful and learning something new. These have been all my Kobayashi Maru moments….it’s how I have responded to the pressure to pass and not meeting that particular goal. It’s about the way I have dealt with being disappointed.

Every failure, every success, and every detour takes you somewhere you weren’t before. I’d be an idiot to think that after passing this test, because I WILL pass, means the end of learning. In the workshop, the instructor teaches you how to answer a question when you don’t know what theory or material they are talking about. At one point, there was a question that referred to a theory that doesn’t even exist. That set off a light bulb in my head, because now the questions written in Klingon made sense. So the question is, what do you do when you don’t have the answer?  What do you do when you know there isn’t a right answer but you still have to respond? I’ve learned that you have to trust your instincts.  It’s that moment that you can’t respond the way you normally would that is the true test of your character. You have to trust that everything you have done up until that point has a purpose, even if you don’t know what it is at the moment.

 

 

Legos, mac and cheese, and do overs….

Last week was a heinous week. Like the kind of week that makes you want to never go to work again, stay home in your pajamas, not comb your hair, and eat cocoa pebbles for every meal. You see, I got my exam results on Monday and I did not pass…for the 6th time. My original post was going to talk about that, but seriously, there isn’t much else to say about it, so why would you want to read about it? So I thought about it…and said shit, there is a reason why I keep taking this test over and over….and it’s because I love what I do. So what have I learned these past eight years on the job that I can use to keep it moving? Read on…..

Kids don’t lie. Now a bunch of you out there are probably saying ‘um, she knows not of what she speaks!’ But seriously, hear me out. It’s not the type of situation where a kid does some random shit and they cover their ass…hell, half the adults I know do that. I’m talking about their way of just looking at you and saying ‘you look like a mess’ when you totally do. It’s that kid who won’t eat yogurt because they say and looks and smells like throw up. It’s going into session and asking them what’s wrong and they say ‘I don’t want to talk right now’. It’s that same kid a week later saying ‘I misbehaved because….’. They say what is on their mind and haven’t learned how to fear being vulnerable just yet.

They don’t care what other people think about what they like. You ever hang out with a kid that plays with Legos and they build something that makes you say ‘Dayyyyyyyyym!’? Ever meet a kid who will wear a Spider-Man shirt every single day for two weeks because they are convinced its the coolest shirt on the planet? I played construction worker every week over the course of two years with a kid who was homeless since the day he was born. And I can’t forget the kid who wore purple for a whole year bc their favorite singer mentioned that was their favorite color. They don’t always need a logical reason to do something; they just do it. It makes sense to them….and that’s all that matters.

They keep it simple. Kraft macaroni and cheese is gourmet to them. Why won’t they eat broccoli? That’s easy…because it smells like a fart when it cooks. Classical music is limited to sleeping or Bugs Bunny cartoons (and that is vintage to them). You want to tap dance but you have no tap shoes? No problem…throw some crackers on the floor, put on your best shoes, and tap your heart away. The opposite sex has cooties, siblings are for tormenting, and a day off is meant for playing. Simplicity at its finest.

Kids are hopeful and truly believe in the impossible. They hope to get that bike for Christmas because they behaved since September. They want that video game because they got a good report card. They believe their parents won’t punish them even though they have thoroughly persuaded their younger sibling, with concrete evidence, that they are indeed a vampire. They believe in wishing on stars, playing tag with no bases, and not putting away their toys because they are convinced they will suffocate. They don’t just believe in magic… they make it happen.

Since I didn’t pass my test,  I have to go and I’ve got until December 31 to find a new job. Initially it seemed like a clusterfuck…studying for this exam again and looking for a new job…..talk about stressful. But I’m motivated and I have learned a lot that I’m taking with me.

I’ve learned not to lie to myself. Although I banked on being licensed, I probably should have looked for a new job a while ago.

It’s ok to be vulnerable…and truth be told you have to be a little vulnerable to work with kids.  That, in itself, is being fearless.

I have to remember that sometimes I have to play just for the sake of having fun. That’s the best way to get rid of stress.

Sometimes it’s best to keep things simple in the here and now….so as not to complicate things for yourself later.

So maybe right now life feels a little bit like I’m playing tag with no bases. The cool thing about being grown is I can yell ‘Do Over!!!’ and figure out how to make it work. Alas, that is the power of magical thinking and that everything is exactly as it should be.

Staring at the world through my rearview….

The late Tupac Shakur had a song set to the tune of Phil Collins’ “In the air tonight”. The song, called “Staring at the world through my rearview”, talked about the injustices of growing up poor and doing what you have to do to get by. I’d be lying if I said I was a diehard Tupac fan, but I did grow to appreciate him and who he was after the fact. The hook of that song totally captured me…”Staring at the world through my rear view, Go on baby, scream to God, he can’t hear you”…..and another part of the song goes..

“You ain’t knowin what we mean by starin through the rearview,
So since you ain’t knowin what we mean let me break down understandin
The world, the world is behind us
Once a m**f**er get an understanding on the game
And what the levels and the rules of the game is
Then the world ain’t no trick no more
The world is a game to be played
So now we lookin at the world, from like, behind us”

Like any song or work of art, the artist can have a specific meaning, or no meaning at all, leaving it up to the observer to interpret the art as they see it…..

About nine years or so ago, I received my doctoral degree. Grad school was hard and you couldn’t pay me enough to do it all over again….seriously, not even a lifetime supply of bacon. I was accepted and chose to go to a school that was somewhat familiar to me that was not too far from home. I had no idea what I was getting into. I thought I was a smart cookie and figured if I could get through the process of getting in, surely all I had to do was work hard and I would be able to get through anything that came at me. I didn’t realize the discrimination I would face in my own backyard.

The people I met and interacted with in that particular institution were just like me….we were all human. And that’s where the similarities stopped. Issues of class and socioeconomic status were so staggeringly different, it was impossible to ignore. I was an alien in a room full of trustafarians, as my friend GHB called them. They said and did things that were hurtful and ignorant. I became angry and resentful. But I also knew I had come too far to give up. I spent as much time figuring out how to maneuver the politics of the institution as I did studying for my degree…and it was exhausting. I refused to let anyone define me and tell me what I could and couldn’t do and just kept it moving.

I learned a lot from my ‘underground degree’…that was the degree I earned that had nothing to do with my books. I learned that if you get angry, people won’t listen if you shout.  I learned that just because you can learn not to cry, it doesn’t hurt any less.  I learned that not every white person in power wanted to ‘keep me down’.  I learned that just because my steps were smaller, they were steps to be taken just the same. I learned that conforming on the outside doesn’t necessarily mean you conform on the inside. Most importantly, I learned not to let anyone speak for me.

It’s hard to respond when people ask about my experience in school because I’m conflicted. If it weren’t for that experience, I would not be where I am today. I dig my career and I’m damn good at it. But the experience that got me there was expensive, literally and figuratively. A classmate once compared the process to that scene in GI Jane (which has since become one of my favorite movies for obvious reasons) where the recruits were asked to write an essay. The task wasn’t about the essay itself; it was about the process of being able to handle the situation under which they had to write the essay. Their superiors cranked up the heat and played classical music, hoping the recruits would yield to their environment, fall asleep, and not complete the essay. So my response about school is always “I learned how to take the heat and not fall asleep”.

Right now, I have one major hurdle to tackle, accomplish, and complete…one last test. Due to the many resources I have employed to get me through it, I have come to realize I am still in battle mode. I still have my dukes up, dodging and weaving, trying to beat the heat. I run around it, kick dirt at it, yell at it, and ignore it, but that hurdle is still there. It’s not moving…it’s in front of me all the time..just there. I couldn’t figure out why, despite my best intentions, I can’t overcome it. I didn’t realize all of my actions, all of my fancy footwork like a prizefighter in the ring, are tiring me out and giving the hurdle more power.

This past week, it hit me that I’ve been going at it all wrong. This hurdle isn’t meant to be kicked down, yelled at, or ignored. Those things I used to do when I was in school won’t work now. I ignored the obvious because I was too damn busy looking for the lesson in it. It’s not me against a classmate, a teacher, or an institution. Those things don’t hold me back anymore because they are gone…and I’m still standing. I need to learn how to get out of my own way. It is what it is…a fuckin hurdle…and hurdles are meant to be run towards and jumped. Once I do that, I can just let it go….and look at that part of my life in my rearview.

2012….

So I got up this morning, ready to tackle the world.  Go to get good french bread from supermarket, wait for the elevator, the doors open and omg yuck….clearly someone had too much to drink last night. Off I go to take the stairs, there is silly string and random party stuff in hallway. When I get to third floor, the laundry carts from basement are there…man, if I could only see the security tapes from last night!! Anyhoo, as I continue down to the first floor, I reflected upon my New Year’s Eve. I spent it quietly at home with Al, trying to figure out how I missed Selena Gomez just after midnight. I think I literally knocked out after calling my fam after midnight. Just a few hours before, I was ‘skyping’ with a one of my friends, Gizmo, who lives all of  10 minutes away from me. We decided we were gonna make some goals for the new year. I rarely do this as I consider New Year’s Eve just another day. My official New Year’s Day is in August, when I was born…so I make resolutions then. But in my desire to do something different, I figured what the hell. Then after writing them all down, we decided we are going to check in every month to see what we have accomplished and what we need to tweak. So I’ve decided to check in here….on my blog.

1. Pass my exam. I want to pass for my own personal reasons. I need to pass to keep my job for another year. I need to pass so I can do what I genuinely want to do…and that is the ability to ‘just be’.

2. Stop procrastinating. That is a ridiculously vague goal; I am very aware of this. However, just like fat people know they need to lose weight, beautiful people know they can get over,  and Wile E. Coyote knows he will never catch Roadrunner (I know he did in one episode but Wile was tiny so I don’t count that), I know exactly what I need to stop procrastinating about. It’s minor things that add up to big things. I need to do my laundry on the regular so I don’t have loads so big I wonder how I got there to begin with, I need to hand in my paperwork at the job on a timely manner, and I need to study consistently so I can pass my exam. Funny how I thought there were more things, and I am sure there are, but those appear to be the top three things.

3. I need to go to the gym at least three times a week. I’ve been pretty good with that since the beginning of October. My plan is to just keep it up.

4. Stop biting my nails. This is something I have been able to do before, so I know I can do it. I just have to stop it. Easier said than done I know, but I just have to do it.

5. Treat myself to a manicure or pedicure once a month. Hopefully this will help me achieve goal 4. I’ve tried doing this at home, but the flexibility required to do my toes and not make them look like I polished them with a paintball gun is impossible for me.

6. Learn to meditate. I dig meditation music…I fall asleep to it all the time.  I will join a class by the end of the month.

7. Take a photography class. I’ve been meaning to do this FOREVER. I love taking pics…so all else fails and I don’t, I aspire to just take more pictures in general.

8. Random: I plan to memorize all the words to the Big Bang Theory theme song….just because.

The bird in this pic…I named him DeNiro…bc I swear he’s sayin “You lookin at me??”

Happy 2012 🙂