Two years ago, I was writing about how Mom’s health had taken a decline, but she was still with us. We are now in 2022, and she’s gone. She’s been gone for six months now and I miss her dearly every day.
She used to like going for rides on the weekend. Anywhere really, it didn’t matter where, as long as she wasn’t home. When she was in the nursing home, she would often ask my sister to sneak her out when no one was looking so they could take a walk. She hated being there and I felt all the guilt of the world for putting her there. She could no longer take care of herself and needed round the clock care. I miss taking her for rides.
She used to love to cook. I definitely get my love for cooking from her. I used to make her a veggie soup she loved and unconsciously stopped making it after she died. A week or so ago, I made some. I’m sure some of my tears made it into that broth. I wish I had asked her how to make a few more things before she got too sick. When she was in hospice, she was in a lot of pain so I tried to do some guided imagery with her. Her favorite ones were when I replayed being in her kitchen and cooking with her. I miss cooking with her.
She used to love taking day trips. Atlantic City holds a special place in my heart. We were ‘working poor’ so to speak, so going to AC was a quick and inexpensive day trip. We packed sandwiches and drinks for the three hour ride there and back in the evening. Sometimes we won a few bucks but mostly it was just us making memories. The Garlic Festival in upstate NY was another one we liked because it combined our love for day trips and food. I miss taking day trips with her.
She loved the holidays. She lived for Christmas, making sure everyone got a little something they loved. She never really cared to get anything herself really. She just loved that one time of year when her family was all together in one place. When she couldn’t cook anymore, I took over some of the duties for her while my sisters took some of the others. This past holiday, in 2021, she was still alive but it was the first holiday without her. The silence was deafening. I don’t think the holidays will ever be the same for me. I miss the holidays with her.
I’ve been through a few tough moments without her. It’s been super challenging because although I would shield her from the things I knew she couldn’t handle, she was there regardless. I’d just tell her I was having a hard time with something and I wanted her positive vibes. Even while in the nursing home, she always shared her positive vibes. I miss her motherly energy.
When she died, I really thought I would die with her. The pain was unbearable. The funeral was so fuckin final. Although we did it as she would have wanted it…no ‘funeraly flowers’ so we got bright beautiful ones….salsa music playing as people came to pay their respects…a collage with pictures of her from her whole life, dating back to her teens. People came to pay respects that I hadn’t seen in years. Others called with condolences, offering stories about her that I had never heard. It was that day and the weeks following that I realized what an indelible mark she had left not only in my world, but in the world of those she touched around her.
There isn’t anything I can do to bring her back. Nor would I want to. She was in pain and, while she didn’t want to leave us, it was hard for her to live life as it was. I’m learning to live life without her, to be in the moment, and to make more memories for myself because in the end, that’s what I will have too. I’m learning to take better care of my health and to not fear setbacks because they happen. I’m still not yet at the point where I can remember her without becoming tearful. That’s an area where I am still a work in progress. But I’m learning she’s with me. She’s with me in the way I cook, in the way I speak, and in the way I interact with others. She’s with me in the way I think, in my love for plants, and my love for day trips. Even though her death has left me with the space in my heart that can’t be filled, it’s been a reminder of how our time on this earth is finite. What I’m trying to do, now that I have had some time to process her passing, is to live all the lessons she taught me.
ShrinkMuch 