In Star Trek, the cadets are given a test called The Kobayashi Maru when they are applying to be a captain . It’s actually the name of a ship they are sent to rescue. It’s a no-win scenario designed to see how they think and work under pressure. In the original series and movies, Captain Kirk failed it three times before he changed the conditions and passed. His rationale is since the test was a cheat in itself, he had to reprogram the test to make it more fair. In the 2009 movie, you never really figure out how Chris Pine’s version of Kirk manages to pass the test. It appears that he dealt with the conditions of the test in a different way and just redefined the problem. They expected him to wig out and he didn’t. He dealt with it his own cocky way and beat the test. Somewhere on the internet, I read that the back story is that the green chic he was spending time with (Uhura’s roommate) talked in her sleep, and he used that info to his advantage.
In real life, a kobayashi maru is not that simple, but you go through them all the time. So then how do you deal?
A few weeks ago, it happened again. I didn’t pass for the 11th time. I didn’t cry. I just sat and thought…where is the lesson in this? All I could think was how I felt embarrassed and angry at the same time. How is it that people I knew that didn’t have half the chops I did took this exam and passed? Then I started getting into my own head. You know, when you have those moments of people who tell you shit that you start to wonder have any grain of truth. In middle school, I had to take an ESL test because of my surname…mind you, I was in an accelerated academic program…but somehow, my ability to speak English was questioned by powers that be that knew nothing about me except my name. In grad school, I was told by an instructor that my grades were average because I went to public school…seriously dude??? Another one told me it was going to take me much longer to get to where I’m going. When I asked him to elaborate, he said he couldn’t but that I should think about that. It was clear that while these weren’t instances of having failed something, the experience was similar…and I realized, man, you have been here before. But why can’t you get out of THIS one? What are you NOT doing? What have you MISSED?
The last time I took the test, I knew I didn’t pass. The material I knew, I really knew. The stuff I didn’t, I felt was written by Klingons. I knew all the words, but when I put them all together, it made no sense at all. And all I could think was “What the motherfuck is this??” I knew for sure this was NOT in the materials. When I got my score, I did a lot better than I thought I did….I missed the mark by two points. This exam is curved, so I don’t know how many questions I missed by…but there it was in front of me…73. Then I got into my own head to try to disprove what I thought to be true up until then. I know I speak English because that test in middle school said so. I got average grades because I was an average student….and I went to public school, yes. But contrary to Dr. Asshole’s statement, one did not cause the other. That was his opinion. And as my trusty stats instructor, Dr. W, taught me, I know that a correlation is not the same as causation. In other words, public school and average grades may be related, but one does not necessarily cause the other. But the last one I can’t disprove. It has taken me a lot longer to get to where I’m going…and that is true. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going anywhere and that I haven’t been moving.
Then I realized, I missed it. It’s about the process. It’s having reconnected with someone from grad school who has been a wealth of support in this exam and in my profession. It’s accepting help from my left-handed dad to pay for the exam. It’s allowing myself to have fun with friends who have nothing to do with this process but happily say “you will get it next time!” and genuinely mean it. It’s being ok with ordering out dinner because Al knows I’m tired and loves an excuse to have his favorite pizza. It’s appreciating the process of others in being successful in their journey without wondering when it will be your turn, because at that time, it isn’t and that’s ok. It’s appreciating all that you have without being pissed off about what you don’t have. It’s taking a workshop you thought wouldn’t be helpful and learning something new. These have been all my Kobayashi Maru moments….it’s how I have responded to the pressure to pass and not meeting that particular goal. It’s about the way I have dealt with being disappointed.
Every failure, every success, and every detour takes you somewhere you weren’t before. I’d be an idiot to think that after passing this test, because I WILL pass, means the end of learning. In the workshop, the instructor teaches you how to answer a question when you don’t know what theory or material they are talking about. At one point, there was a question that referred to a theory that doesn’t even exist. That set off a light bulb in my head, because now the questions written in Klingon made sense. So the question is, what do you do when you don’t have the answer? What do you do when you know there isn’t a right answer but you still have to respond? I’ve learned that you have to trust your instincts. It’s that moment that you can’t respond the way you normally would that is the true test of your character. You have to trust that everything you have done up until that point has a purpose, even if you don’t know what it is at the moment.
ShrinkMuch 